Unresolution.

So, I had all these New Year's resolutions, right....and told myself, like I tell myself every year, that this would be the year I would get it together and do all the things I want to do, become all the things I want to become. One of these resolutions was to post something to this blog on a regular, preferably daily basis. Well, as you can tell, we are five days into the New Year and this is the first post.

I had put all this pressure on myself to perform, to do all the things in my life that are undone, to finally make myself conform to this ideal image of myself in my mind, and I was forced to realize today that I'm just never going to live up to it. I'm never going to be this organized, charming, healthy, happy person all the time. Maybe I won't even be that way most of the time. And I had to face the fact today that I'm just going to have to work, not on being this perfect person, but on being okay with NEVER being this perfect person.

I quit my job today, for reasons that I probably shouldn't discuss publicly. But suffice it to say, I've put way too much pressure on myself to perform when I'm running on empty, and I'm no good to anyone, especially at the shelter, when I do that to myself. I've been trying so hard and getting nowhere, because I haven't given myself enough credit for everything I've already done, and everything I've been through in the past year. 2007 was possibly the hardest year of my life, and I haven't even stopped long enough to admit that to myself.

So my new New Year's resolution is this: no more resolutions. I'm going to do what I can, when I can, and do what I want, when I want. I'm going to stop putting all this pressure on myself to be everything to everyone, including myself. I'm not even going to commit to keeping this resolution. I resolve to be unresolved. I resolve to maybe, possibly, if I feel like it, knit, drink tea, take naps, read, write, and hang out with the people I love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eOu-jVuuxo This video pretty much sums it up...